When we packed our lives into boxes and moved to Germany in 2021, I didn’t have the vocabulary for what I was about to become. The term “trailing spouse” wasn’t in my lexicon yet. It would come later, along with a deeper understanding of the profound emotional journey that accompanies following a partner’s career across international borders.
Our family’s story is perhaps unique in that both adults in our family have worn this label. When we moved from the US to Japan, it was for my job, making my partner the trailing spouse. Later, when opportunity called us to Germany, the roles reversed. This dual perspective has given us an intimate understanding of the complex feelings that define this experience, feelings that deserve recognition, validation, and honest conversation.
I’m stepping into this role once again as we plan a move from Germany to Dubai, and I’m hoping to embrace the experience head-on this time. In this post, I want to explore some of the emotions associated with moving abroad as a trailing spouse.
Identity and self-worth in transition
The most devastating aspect of becoming a trailing spouse, for me, isn’t the logistics of moving or even the career interruption. It’s the fundamental question of who you are when your professional identity disappears overnight. Many trailing spouses describe suddenly finding themselves unable to answer the most basic social question: “So, what do you do?”
This identity crisis runs deeper than job titles or business cards. It strikes at the core of how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Coming from the US, my cultural background is deeply tied to professional identity. Your job and career is a huge part of who you are. And moving abroad as a trailing spouse forces you to look at this identity dead in the face. Who are you when you’re not building your career?
The weight of financial dependence
Beyond identity, there’s the stark reality of financial dependence. If you’re changing from a dual-income household, the shift is particularly jarring. This shift creates a complex web of emotions around autonomy, control, and self-determination that many couples are unprepared to navigate. It can be tricky to navigate sometimes because while you’re working as a team in your new country, feelings come up. Am I really contributing to our situation? Am I wasting my time?
The loss of financial independence doesn’t just affect bank accounts. It can fundamentally alter the power dynamics within a relationship. When you’ve gone from contributing equally to household finances to depending entirely on your partner’s income, feelings of resentment can emerge, even in the most loving relationships. This resentment isn’t necessarily directed at the partner, but at the situation, the sacrifice, and the seeming unfairness of career timing and opportunity.
To address these challenges, communication is key, of course. I find talking to my partner about these feelings and challenges as they arise is the best way to work through them and make sure we stay on the same page.
Mourning the career put on hold
Perhaps one of the most underacknowledged aspects of the trailing spouse experience is professional grief. This isn’t simply disappointment. It’s genuine mourning for professional goals, career momentum, and the future that was planned but never realized.
This grief is complicated by the fact that the sacrifice was chosen, not imposed. Trailing spouses often feel they should be grateful for the adventure, the new experiences, the opportunity to see the world. But gratitude and grief can coexist, and many find themselves caught between feeling thankful for new experiences while simultaneously mourning their professional losses.
This can all tie back to the relationship between career and professional identity and self-worth I mentioned earlier. Many people have a complicated relationship with their careers and self-identity. And these relationships can be strained when putting your career on hold to move abroad as a trailing spouse.
Playing the supporting role
One of the most emotionally challenging aspects is the feeling of playing a supporting role to a partner’s career. This isn’t about jealousy or competition within the relationship. It’s about watching your own ambitions become secondary considerations in major life decisions. The trailing spouse’s dreams, goals, and professional trajectory often become subordinate to timing, visa restrictions, and geographical limitations.
This supporting role extends into social situations, where trailing spouses often struggle with self-presentation. The awkwardness is palpable: “Oh, I’m just a Hausfrau,” becomes the dismissive response, accompanied by blushing cheeks and a quick change of subject. The word “just” becomes a frequent prefix to any professional identity that remains.
Everything changes at once
The emotional challenges of being a trailing spouse are magnified by the isolation that comes with international relocation. Spouses of expats face a perfect storm of losses: career, financial independence, social circles, familiar environments, and often, proximity to extended family. This compound loss creates a level of disconnection that can feel overwhelming.
Unlike their working partners, who have built-in social structures through their new jobs, trailing spouses must rebuild their entire social world from scratch, often while processing their own identity shifts and professional grief. The isolation can be profound, and the depression that sometimes follows is a natural response to such comprehensive life changes.
Redefining success and purpose
Yet within these challenges lies the potential for profound personal growth and redefinition. Many trailing spouses eventually discover that traditional markers of success like titles, salaries, and career progression, aren’t the only measures of a meaningful life. In this experience of being a trailing spouse, you have the opportunity to explore questions like: who am I? How do I define success? What really makes me happy? And you can really step back and potentially shift your perspective.
The recognition of this opportunity to explore your identity and outlook doesn’t minimize the very real losses experienced, but it opens the door to a different kind of success story. Some trailing spouses use their international experience to pivot into new careers, start businesses, pursue creative endeavors they never had time for, or discover passions they didn’t know existed.
Recognizing your essential role
Perhaps the most healing perspective comes through understanding that a life is made of many parts. Each part plays an important role in your overall experience, and you wouldn’t be complete without all of the parts. The trailing spouse’s contribution to their family’s international success story is essential, even when it feels invisible.
This doesn’t mean settling for perpetual supporting roles, but rather recognizing that there are seasons in life, and sometimes our most important contributions happen behind the scenes. The strength required to rebuild a life in a foreign country, the resilience needed to navigate identity shifts, the grace required to support a partner’s dreams while grieving your own. These are not small accomplishments!
Moving forward: Honoring the journey
The trailing spouse experience is not a lesser life path. It’s simply a different one, with its own unique challenges and rewards. Acknowledging the grief, the identity struggles, and the complex emotions is honest work. And in that honesty, trailing spouses can find the validation they need to move forward with intention.
Whether you’re currently navigating this journey, considering it, or supporting someone who is, remember that the feelings are valid, the struggles are real, and the path forward, while sometimes unclear, is always possible. The trailing spouse story is ultimately one of resilience, adaptation, and the remarkable human capacity to rebuild and redefine ourselves, even when everything familiar falls away.
I hope to look at this topic a bit more as we really dig into our next international move.
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